That click, the sign or that thing called epiphany

The over thinker in me always wondered if I would ever recognized hitting rock bottom and wanting to feel better. Is it just something people say to give us hope? Maybe we’re so desperate for a sign that we make one up.

I’m big into interpreting the smallest details. I remember when my maternal grandmother died, I couldn’t even come to terms with her death. I was 17, crying on the couch one morning when I asked for a sign. “If you can hear me, give me a sign.” After a minute without any answers, I put my head down and cried some more. That’s when the sun came out and shone directly on my head. I felt the warmth for a few seconds and it went away. The believer in me took it as THE sign, when in reality, the clouds moved out of the way for a few seconds. It made me feel better and I decided it is what I needed to continue talking to her.

I want to believe that this weekend, I just had the Ah-ha moment I needed to get out of this slump. It wasn’t a heavenly instance this time, but rather a wake up call.

2021 was a tough one, wasn’t it? I hate when people tell me I am allowed to feel down because of what I have been through. I can’t help but think others have been through a lot more than I did. It doesn’t give me any rights to give up.

Since October of last year, I unconsciously decided not to deal with the strong feelings coming my way. We went to court, we told the truth, we conquered. I should have been relieved, but the aftermath of this trauma was heart wrenching. There were no winners, just scattered broken pieces that will never fit together again. I believe the guilt was, and in a way still is, a big reason why I bottled up all the emotions and punished myself. Add moving homes once again (no one forced me, that’s on me), living through a messy renovation, the death of my mother, Covid, my fragmented relationship with my daughter and finding myself unemployed, I felt down and overwhelmed. How did I punish myself? By not eating right and gaining all the weight back, by reminding myself I was a failure for doing so and by ignoring my own mental and physical health.

This lack of self love and self care came crashing down this weekend. I haven’t been feeling the best, but again chose to ignore it. Feeling light headed, I knew very well it wasn’t normal. Going through my mom’s things I brought back with me, I found her blood sugar monitor. Hmmm… a sign? I tested myself and bam! Scary high. It shouldn’t be a surprise after all. I let it happened.

That was the epiphany. The moment. The click. I decided to act on it instead of feeling discouraged. I lost a lot of weight before and I can do it again. My mother wouldn’t want my sadness to turn into a medical issue, especially after she had so many herself. I am sure the effervesce of this moment will eventually turn into a challenge, some slip ups and frustrations. Change is not linear.

Tomorrow I have a second interview somewhere I would love to work at. I haven’t felt this kind of excitement in a long time. As I am writing this, I can compare my life like the weather we are having today: temperature up and down, windy, but most of all, the sun is shining bright. Let’s concentrate on the positive shall we?

Much love — Sophie